Home Again

I ARRIVED AT THE NEW HOUSE JUST AS MY HERD OF 'COWS' PULLED AROUND THE CORNER. FAMILY AND FRIENDS HELPED ME EMPTY THE COWS AND I LOVINGLY PLACED MY 'STUFF' AS IF I WAS A KID PLAYING WITH A DOLLHOUSE.
I AM MORE OR LESS SETTLED INTO MY NEW HOME AND I LOVE IT. I WATCHED IT BEING BUILT, AND FELT THAT IT WAS AN IMPORTANT PART OF CREATING A NEW ME. IT WAS ALMOST AS IF I WERE LEAVING PART OF MY GRIEF BEHIND IN MY OLD HOUSE, (NOT FOR EVERYONE, BUT IT WORKED FOR ME.) WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN IN A MARRIAGE FOR 42 YEARS, IT ALMOST CREATES AN IDENTITY FOR YOU. I WAS A WIFE, THE OTHER HALF OF A COUPLE. IT DIDN’T MATTER THAT I THOUGHT I WAS AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO HAD HER OWN IDENTITY THAT WAS SEPARATE FROM HER HUSBAND. I WAS A TEACHER (JUST RETIRED), A CANDLEMAKER, CRAFTSWOMAN, BAKER, ETC. WHOOSH! LIKE A SEVERED LIMB, I NO LONGER FEEL WHOLE. I DON’T REALLY KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM. YES, I’M STILL A MOTHER, A GRANDMOTHER, A FRIEND BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH. THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I IMMEDIATELY NEED TO FIND A MAN TO BE PART OF A COUPLE AGAIN,(THAT WILL FOLLOW), IT MEANS THAT I NEED TO FIND A NEW NORMAL FOR MYSELF AND FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THIS NEW SELF. (THIS NEW SELF IS REALLY WHO I AM BASICALLY BUT IT DOESN’T QUITE FEEL RIGHT YET) SO HERE I AM IN NEW SUBURBIA , SURROUNDED BY YOUNG, GROWING FAMILIES WITH ALL THE GIANT, MOLDED PLAYTOYS THAT DOT THE NEW BACKYARDS. THERE WERE TIMES I WONDERED IF I HAD MADE A MISTAKE BEING THE WIDOWED, OLDER WOMAN LIVING ALONE IN A YOUNG NEIGHBOURHOOD, BUT I SOON STARTED BAKING COOKIES AND GETTING TO KNOW EVERYONE. ONE OF MY FIRST DISCOVERIES ABOUT MYSELF WAS HOW MUCH I LOVE PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY CHILDREN. (YOU’D EXPECT THAT FROM A PRIMARY TEACHER. ) THE FOUR YEAR OLD NEXT DOOR ASKS ME A MILLION QUESTIONS AND ANYONE AS OLD AS ME MUST KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS. THE BABY GIRL SMILES AND WAVES AT ME. GRIEF FLIES OUT THE WINDOW WHEN A BABY SMILES. THE KIDS ON THE OTHER SIDE ARE LIVELY AND BOUNCY (GIANT TRAMPOLINE)  THE YOUNGEST, AN 7 YEAR OLD BOY ACTUALLY WEARS ME OUT JUST LOOKING AT HIM, HE’S SO HYPERACTIVE AND  DARING. I HOLD MY BREATH WHEN HE LEAPS ON THE FENCE AND THROWS HIMSELF OVER. I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE FOR THE BEAUTIFUL, PEACEFUL BACKGROUND OF TREES THAT SWAYED SOFTLY IN THE WIND. NOW I LISTEN TO DOGS BARK, CHILDREN SQUEAL, AND FAMILIES THAT I AM NOT A PART OF ENTERTAINING IN THEIR YARDS. DID I GOOF UP?  SHOULD I HAVE CHOSEN THE SENIOR’S HOUSING ROUTE AND SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH PEOPLE MY OWN AGE?

Temporary Home

  My sisters are wonderful. Both invited me to stay with them. Since Gus, my huge, part wolf dog, attacked sister #1's dog, I opted to stay with sister #2. My menagerie joined her menagerie of 4 little Shitzus. Shitzu's live up to their name. They are not real dogs like mine is, they're little sh--s. They decided if they each attacked one of Gus's legs they could take him. Since he could swallow one whole we had to be pretty vigilant. I also discovered that my cats could scale my body and sit on my head when chased by one of the little darlings. I love you sister #2 but I'll never own a Shitzu.
  Not only was I welcomed with open arms, fed like a queen, entertained and treated like a visiting dignitary, my sister had redone the room in my favourite colour. She even had glittering butterflies scattered on the wall above my bed. There was a bowl of my favourite chocolates. I couldn't have been more welcomed. I wish all of you sisters like mine.
  I've met a few widows since I became one. A few have chosen to move in with family, some of them even selling their homes to do this. Living alone is just too lonely and even painful for some. I was so welcomed into my sister's family but it wasn't my family and it wasn't my home. I had a strange longing for my own home even though it wasn't built yet and even though I knew I would be alone. For heaven's sake, I even missed my STUFF after being in such a hurry to get rid of so much of it. Perhaps I was beginning to heal and the survivor in me was ready to begin again.
  Being in the cocoon of my sister's love helped prepare me for emerging as the glitterfly that I am meant to be. It was safe there, but something is beckoning me on.