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I ARRIVED AT THE NEW HOUSE JUST AS MY HERD OF 'COWS' PULLED AROUND THE CORNER. FAMILY AND FRIENDS HELPED ME EMPTY THE COWS AND I LOVINGLY PLACED MY 'STUFF' AS IF I WAS A KID PLAYING WITH A DOLLHOUSE.
I AM MORE OR LESS SETTLED INTO MY NEW HOME AND I LOVE IT. I WATCHED IT BEING BUILT, AND FELT THAT IT WAS AN IMPORTANT PART OF CREATING A NEW ME. IT WAS ALMOST AS IF I WERE LEAVING PART OF MY GRIEF BEHIND IN MY OLD HOUSE, (NOT FOR EVERYONE, BUT IT WORKED FOR ME.) WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN IN A MARRIAGE FOR 42 YEARS, IT ALMOST CREATES AN IDENTITY FOR YOU. I WAS A WIFE, THE OTHER HALF OF A COUPLE. IT DIDN’T MATTER THAT I THOUGHT I WAS AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO HAD HER OWN IDENTITY THAT WAS SEPARATE FROM HER HUSBAND. I WAS A TEACHER (JUST RETIRED), A CANDLEMAKER, CRAFTSWOMAN, BAKER, ETC. WHOOSH! LIKE A SEVERED LIMB, I NO LONGER FEEL WHOLE. I DON’T REALLY KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM. YES, I’M STILL A MOTHER, A GRANDMOTHER, A FRIEND BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH. THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT I IMMEDIATELY NEED TO FIND A MAN TO BE PART OF A COUPLE AGAIN,(THAT WILL FOLLOW), IT MEANS THAT I NEED TO FIND A NEW NORMAL FOR MYSELF AND FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THIS NEW SELF. (THIS NEW SELF IS REALLY WHO I AM BASICALLY BUT IT DOESN’T QUITE FEEL RIGHT YET) SO HERE I AM IN NEW SUBURBIA , SURROUNDED BY YOUNG, GROWING FAMILIES WITH ALL THE GIANT, MOLDED PLAYTOYS THAT DOT THE NEW BACKYARDS. THERE WERE TIMES I WONDERED IF I HAD MADE A MISTAKE BEING THE WIDOWED, OLDER WOMAN LIVING ALONE IN A YOUNG NEIGHBOURHOOD, BUT I SOON STARTED BAKING COOKIES AND GETTING TO KNOW EVERYONE. ONE OF MY FIRST DISCOVERIES ABOUT MYSELF WAS HOW MUCH I LOVE PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY CHILDREN. (YOU’D EXPECT THAT FROM A PRIMARY TEACHER. ) THE FOUR YEAR OLD NEXT DOOR ASKS ME A MILLION QUESTIONS AND ANYONE AS OLD AS ME MUST KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS. THE BABY GIRL SMILES AND WAVES AT ME. GRIEF FLIES OUT THE WINDOW WHEN A BABY SMILES. THE KIDS ON THE OTHER SIDE ARE LIVELY AND BOUNCY (GIANT TRAMPOLINE)  THE YOUNGEST, AN 7 YEAR OLD BOY ACTUALLY WEARS ME OUT JUST LOOKING AT HIM, HE’S SO HYPERACTIVE AND  DARING. I HOLD MY BREATH WHEN HE LEAPS ON THE FENCE AND THROWS HIMSELF OVER. I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE FOR THE BEAUTIFUL, PEACEFUL BACKGROUND OF TREES THAT SWAYED SOFTLY IN THE WIND. NOW I LISTEN TO DOGS BARK, CHILDREN SQUEAL, AND FAMILIES THAT I AM NOT A PART OF ENTERTAINING IN THEIR YARDS. DID I GOOF UP?  SHOULD I HAVE CHOSEN THE SENIOR’S HOUSING ROUTE AND SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH PEOPLE MY OWN AGE?